Eavesdrop

Back then, when people were so trusting as to not even lock their gates, one could easily sneak in, stand under the eaves, and listen to the conversation going on in the room inside. 

Because human nature doesn't change, one can still find plenty of unguarded eaves to stand under and listen in from. At some point in antiquity, such behaviour wasd eclared unwelcome and, therefore, every schoolteacher worth their salt would wag their fingers in one's faces and declare:

Eavesdroppers never hear any good about themselves.

Scout Finch, for one, will heartily disagree with that statement but it's somewhat true that eavesdroppers often get to hear things that are befuddling at best and unpleasant at worst. 

I recount below snippets of conversations I've happened to chance upon. Without the correct context, these conversations can be puzzling. Or, hilarious.


=== Conversation 1 === 
"No, no, no, you don't sort the children. Just fetch them and send them to me. I'll put them on the tree."


=== Conversation 2 === 
"Which part is the most difficult to cut?" 
"The neck." [Pause] "You must press very carefully and cut. A little bit this side or that, and the whole thing becomes useless." 


=== Conversation 3 === 
"Don't forget to kill before you unmount."


=== Conversation 4 ===
Man 1, pointing to a black phone: "Is that a red phone?"
Man 2, on whose desk the phone sits, and who was addressed by Man 1: "No, it's a green one."

=== Conversation 5 === 
"Okay, so do I have to wear something and come?"
"No, no, no need to wear anything. You can come just like that only."

 
===

Toilet humour

Neither Oxford nor Merriam-Webster has an entry for 'toilet humour', which probably means it is a phrase that cannot be defined definitively. Me, I've always believed the phrase refers to off-colour jokes, especially when they invoke body parts and bodily functions. Today, I am revisiting the phrase because everyone reviewing "Piku" uses this phrase to refer to the film.

I stick to my belief that the phrase refers to off-colour jokes of a special type. I stick to my stand that "Piku" is not about, for, of, toilet humour; it's just about normal conversation in a normal Bengali household. And in this post, I reproduce snippets of my own life. All characters, situations, and dialogues in this post are real, have taken place in real life, refer to real people; all characters in these snippets are Bengali.

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Situation 1
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It's December, it's school vacations, and we're going to picnic at Khushroo Bagh *. Daddy has borrowed the neighbour's Lambretta to ferry us there and back. I am all ready and eager, the spark plug of the Lambretta has been cleaned and sandpapered, neighbour grampa and neighbour aunty are helping me pick rather oldish roses that I'll hold to the wind while sitting on the scooter, and everything is ready but .... what are we waiting for? Why, my kid brother. He's not, ah, done his morning job, you see (In hindsight, I think he was all too excited about the outing, that's all. He was a little boy way back then.) The following conversation occurs:

Neighbour grandpa: Since how long has he been trying?
Father: Oh, half an hour, one hour, I don't know. At this rate, we'll never go today.
Me: [heart sinks. I consider throwing away the roses, and picking fresh ones fit for a vase.]
Neighbour grandpa: Do one thing. Carry a mud cup.
Father: Eh? Where will I get a mud cup?
Neighbour grandpa: [insert name of another neighbour] will have them. Their son was married last fortnight, no? Lots of leftover mud cups and leaf plates.
Father: Okay, so what will I do with a mud cup. [name of my mom] has already packed our lunch and plates and all.
Neighbour grandpa: No, no, for the boy, you see, for the boy. Carry that mud cup ad whenever he gets the pressure, hold it close...

In the event, the mud cup wasn't needed after all because at that very moment, mom and brother emerged from the house.

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Situation 2
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It's probably December again. We're off to a picnic again (trust Bengalis to picnic on a daily basis), this time with the extended family. A tonga has been hired, has picked us up, and has now reached father's cousin's home from where the rest of the entourage will be picked up. I get down from the tonga to open the gate; neighbour uncle peeps over the hedge.

Neighbour uncle: I know, I know, you all are going to Kakraha Ghaat ** for picnic. I only accompanied [name of father's cousin] to the vegetable market today to buy the lunch stuff. What first class brinjals we got, you'll see! Nice place to cook up a meal for a picnic, this Kakraha Ghaat.

Meanwhile, a stove, a bottle of kerosene, veggies, and miscellaneous other objects have been stowed at the bottom of the tonga, the extended family has climbed up, I am sitting on my favourite second cousin's lap, the tongawalla has put his foot in the notch before leaping up to his seat when:

Father's cousin's wife, my Elder Aunty: Yo! Wait, wait. Has anyone remembered to take carbo veg or no?
My second cousin: No, Ma. Neighbour uncle had borrowed the last bit before he went with father to the vegetable market today morning.
Another neighbour who, by that time, had come by ambling: Wait, wait. I'll get you some <name of ayurvedic medicine>. And for more urgent needs, Kakraaha Ghaat is by the river anyway.

We take the medicine bottle and trot off.

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Situation 3
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While on carbo veg, the extended family has travelled to Agra for a wedding. We've reached there almost at dinner time, and the harried host is overseeing the unloading of our luggage from the taxi that has ferried us from Tundla to Agra when he suddenly turns back and yells at my grampa:

Yo, Father (my grampa is his father-in-law). Have you brought your carbo veg or have you forgotten like you did during [insert name of a cousin]'s wedding? Tell me now only, or morning morning the shops will not be open and you won't get it then, and don't turn the whole house on its head then like you did that time.

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Situation 4
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While on my grandfather, it's summer vacation and I must've eaten my mom's head enough coz she's packed me off to her parents' place (same city but their house had a garden). I've been out in the garden, pottering around with a pair of shears, trying to give a horse "shape" to a mehndi hedge and failing miserably (no, no one scolds you at your grandparents' place). So, I sauntered in and grandpa is having the following conversation with my Uncle No. 2:

Grandpa: Just two spoons since morning, you know. And stomach is still a bit heavy, you know.

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Situation 5
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Talking about heavy stomachs, I'm all grown up and big now, holding a proper job in a proper government office with almirahs and files and tables that have three-three phone and tables that have none. A colleague from Mysore is on an "official visit" and is eating my head, kind of.

Colleague: Bangalore is a nice place, you know. Not like our Mysore colony. You can have beer to your heart's content and no snoopy people to gossip.
Me: mmm. hmmm
Colleague: Where are the good pubs here? Can you take me there after office?
Me (sees where this is going and is not interested because...just.not.interested): I don't drink.
Colleague: Oh, you should. Beer is just so nice. Next day morning, everything is so smooth that everything is finished in no time.
Me: You have constipation?
Colleague: Yes, kind of. Actually, everyone in our family has it. You know, that time when we went to Puri...

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Situation 6
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Back to childhood, back to school, and....I went to school by rickshaw and the rickshaw man picked up a few more children from the neighbourhood. There was this extremely pretty girl who lived two streets away; she and her neighbour's kid were my rickshaw-mates. The time they were picked up was also the time her father was setting off for his morning round of the vegetable market and greeting sundry neighbours on the way. Typical hail-fellow-well-met greeting of his would be like:

Hey brother! How's life? How many times since morning?
[some reply]
Good, good! And, what's cooking for breakfast?

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* Khushroo Bagh is the place where Jehangir's son lies buried.
** Kakraha Ghaat is a little-used burning ghat (the city prefers the other two ghats because they are on the Ganga. Kakraha Ghaat is on the Yamuna, so a lesser choice). We didn't picnic at that exact spot but a little distance away, at the Karelabagh Pumping Station, which had fine grounds way back then.

Paan

The times were very fish-y. There had been fish for dinner last night. Now, there was fish for lunch today. After several miserable minutes, during which the food on my plate didn't seem to have diminished noticeably at all, I decided divine intervention was called for.

"Ma", I squeaked. "Does Ram eat fish?"

I was convinced he did not. I was convinced he hunted deer down and barbecued them. I was eight and a half years old.

"Of course he does", said Ma. Mealtimes, she was Arjun personified, her entire concentration focussed on the contents of my plate. "Of course he does. He eats everything that's put on his plate. And everything that isn't."

"No, Ma, that's Krishna", I squeaked.

Youngest uncle snickered.

"Every. single. thing", Ma repeated with a glare. A pause. Father poured himself some water. "And", continued Ma, "if you don't finish everything in the next 10 minutes..."

In the ominous silence, the cries of a vendor hawking his wares in the gully outside floated in: Dahi leo, le lo daheeeeee.

I tried my best to finish everything on my plate within 10 minutes. It took me a well over an entire hour. Everyone had left the table by then and gone off to their siestas.

Grandma was sleeping too, which was unfortunate. It was clear I'd need to help myself. I slowly opened her dressing table cupboard. It held that most magical of all things: her paan box, with its paraphernalia of tidbits.

And, like everyone knows, that yucky fishy smell will never leave you till you help yourself to a little paan. But, Grandma was sleeping.

I looked around. Her gods were an arm-length away, regarding me benignly. Ram positively glowed in the late afternoon sun, his crown glittering, his bow twinkling, his smile indulgent.  I carefully placed three slices of paper-thin supari in front of him and each of the gods. I carefully shook a drop of kattha on the suparis. I generously sprinkled jarda on each pile. Its fragrance was heady. I dropped some into my mouth, turned  to keep the stuff back....and immediately fell down. At the clatter, Grandma opened her eyes and said, "What?"
...
My respect for Ram grew a thousandfold. He could digest ALL that jarda and still not feel wobbly in the head?

Had Ma been there, she'd have said it's because he eats every single thing that's put on his plate.

Signs

Of signages, labels, and notices

Conference calls...and Alice

This is what Alice, of the Wonderland fame, has to say about conference calls:

• Have an agenda
  The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. 'Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?' he asked.
  'Begin at the beginning,' the King said gravely, 'and go on till you come to the end: then stop.'


• Stick to the agenda
  'No, no!' said the Queen. 'Sentence first--verdict afterwards.'
  'Stuff and nonsense!' said Alice loudly. 'The idea of having the sentence first!'


• Be specific
  'I do,' Alice hastily replied; 'at least--at least I mean what I say--that's the same thing, you know.'
  'Not the same thing a bit!' said the Hatter. 'You might just as well say that "I see what I eat" is the same thing as "I eat what I see"!'


• Write the Minutes
  The unfortunate little Bill had left off writing on his slate with one finger, as he found it made no mark; but he now hastily began again, using the ink, that was trickling down his face, as long as it lasted.


• Go on mute when you're not speaking
  One of the jurors had a pencil that squeaked. This of course, Alice could not stand, and she went round the court and got behind him, and very soon found an opportunity of taking it away.


• Do not cough or sneeze into the mouthpiece
  Here one of the guinea-pigs cheered, and was immediately suppressed by the officers of the court. (As that is rather a hard word, I will just explain to you how it was done. They had a large canvas bag, which tied up at the mouth with strings: into this they slipped the guinea-pig, head first, and then sat upon it.) `I'm glad I've seen that done,' thought Alice. `I've so often read in the newspapers, at the end of trials, "There was some attempts at applause, which was immediately suppressed by the officers of the court," and I never understood what it meant till now.'
  


• Don't ramble
  'Really, now you ask me,' said Alice, very much confused, 'I don't think--'
  'Then you shouldn't talk,' said the Hatter.


• Recap
  'Oh, I've had such a curious dream!' said Alice, and she told her sister, as well as she could remember them, all these strange Adventures of hers.


• Email the action items, with action item owner-names, to everyone
  'What is the use of a book,' thought Alice 'without pictures or conversation?'

Dikhayi diye yun...

A glimpse, such that my senses leave
Me, from myself, cleaves

Obeisance, such that my bows continual
Are tribute for rights to the worship ritual

Adoration for you, O Idol, so hard
That you stand deified in all's regard

Clamour for your quarters so compelling
That here in raw despair am I trudging

A glimpse, such that my senses leave
Me, from myself, cleaves

independence

Let us, for a moment, forget it is supposed to be a poem.  Let's not even call it 'free verse'.  Let us just assume it is prose.  This piece by Tagore:

Where the heart is unafraid, head unbowed, knowledge unbound
Where the Universe has not been smashed, grounded, enclosed within the walls of a house
Where words spring from the heart
Where effort flows in a million boundless streams towards success
Where reason is not dammed by the sands of dogma
Where virility lives
Where YOU lead all effort, thought, and happiness
To jolt Bharat awake into that heaven
Strike, Father. Ruthlessly.

This, to me, is what 'independence' is.